One of the lovely things about my work is that people share resources that they have found that are moving, helpful or joyful.  This week, I was sent a lecture from the Ted.com website about shame and vulnerability.  It is about 20 minutes long and worth all 20 minutes.  Brene Brown is talking about her research into what helps people with shame feel better.  She's entertaining and thoughtful.  Here's the link: www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. Let me know what you think!

If you haven't discovered Ted.com, it is a great website filled with the wisdom of many people from many fields of study and even has humorous talks.  Rives is a poet/humorist that I enjoy. Watch him do his version of connection and vulnerability here:  www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/rives_controls_the_internet.html

Please watch Brene Brown deliver her messages of healing, but here are some pieces of her wisdom.  She wants all children to receive the message: "You are imperfect, and wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging".  Wow, wouldn't we all feel better if we received that message from birth!  She recommends that we let ourselves be deeply seen, to love with our whole hearts, that we practice gratitude and joy, and to start with the belief "I am enough".  Lovely, healing words.  Take them with you into your day.  My best,  Pat

In many ways, 2010 was a difficult year in my life.  My elderly father suffered from a confusing and debilitating illness for much of the year, my younger brother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, my beloved mother-in-law slipped farther away from us due to Alzheimer's disease, my eldest daughter returned home after college with no job and an untrained puppy, and a good friend ended a long friendship with me.  

In spite of all of this, I am handling the stress rather well.  I've been thinking what skills I have been using to cope and thought I would share them.  

1.  My mother-in-law has only the present moment to live in. There is no past, no future, only right now.  I have continued to learn from this to stay in this moment.  In this moment, things are manageable.  I can do something in this moment to improve my stress. 

2. My father, in an uncharacteristic way, was somewhat passive about his illness.  His doctor told him it would take time, and he just accepted it would take time and waited.  After some months of no improvement, I increasingly insisted that he get a second opinion. He finally acceded to my pressure and saw another doctor. This doctor took an interest, discovered the problem and my father is much better. So my take-away from this is: Find the thing you can influence or change and do something.   

3. My brother's illness, while frightening, is likely to end well. I can understand how frightening it is and offer support, one cancer survivor to another.  My lesson here - connect emotionally even if you can't change the situation.

4.  My friend ended our friendship in a confusing and painful way.  I had to accept this as I was unable to change it.  I could choose to focus on the painful way I felt misunderstood in this ending, or I could focus on what the friendship has given me over the years.  I chose to feel grateful for the gifts of the friendship, rather than the pain of the ending. 

5. My daughter coming home has been a surprising gift. The difficulties we had had in the past have been replaced with a fun, connected relationship. I appreciate her companionship, and sense of humor and try to tolerate the chaos that she and her puppy bring with them. When she finds her dream job I will miss them both as they move on with their lives. Again, I am choosing to focus on the positive aspects of her being home rather than the negatives (which can be a challenge when the dog has pooped on the floor again!)

6. A constant in all of this is self-care, specifically exercise. If I find the time on a regular basis to exercise in a variety of ways, my stress feels more manageable.  Like everyone else, at times I can't stay with the program that makes me feel the best, but I treat this as a bump in the road and not a failure. I have made the internal change of thinking of myself as an exerciser who will get back to it, rather than someone who fails repeatedly at keeping up a schedule. The difference in mindset helps me get back to it more quickly when I've been derailed.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you as you face the stresses in your life. Do you have coping methods you'd like to share? Email me your thoughts!  My best for a healty, happy new year!  Pat 

So, when my kids left in the fall for school, I was trying to figure out how to have a life without kids. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, having mourned their going for the year before they left. Then this school year ended and back they came (along with a puppy!). I was surprised at how much I had come to value the peace and quiet and a house that stayed picked up.  So we are back to adjusting to four people and two dogs being together. Diffusion of responsibility is an amazing thing ("I didn't leave that out...It's not my turn to wash the dishes....").  These days parenting is about flexible boundaries - sometimes they are here, sometimes not.  It's also about trying to invite my kids into adult behavior even when they live with their parents.  It's a joyful job even though taxing at times.  The puppy is adorable even though he's not fully trained and my daughter insists on calling me his "grandma" (yikes!).  My go-with-the-flow mindset is continually challenged.  I am counting my blessings, trying to not sweat the small stuff (and it is all small stuff), and yet setting limits and expectations. Whew! Who said parenting gets easier as your kids become more adult? As the quote below suggests, I am trying to live in the glory of parenthood... My best, Pat

"Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the tree is lost when raking leaves."  Marcelene Cox